12/30/07

Question of the Week:

Many people have questions about psychotherapy, parent coaching, or child evaluations .  I've attempted to answer many of your questions throughout this website.  However, I am also pleased to announce a new feature, in which people can email questions of general concern to me.  If you have questions of broad interest concerning parenting,  learning disabilities, ADHD, PDD, CAPD, trauma, therapy, or other issues of general concern please email them to me at Questions@BethKingPhD.com.  Each week I will choose a question that I believe is of interest to many of our visitors, and will post my answer on this page.

Weekly Question:

Hi. My son is 15 and becoming more moody and likes to be alone. Is this typical?

Probably.  By alone, do you mean that your son doesn't have any interest in friends and activities, or do you mean that he no longer wants to spend much time with you and your family? 

Most teenagers shift their primary focus from their family to their peers by around this age.  This is very normal.  While it can be upsetting for a parent who still values "family time," especially if s/he is anticipating the teen leaving home for college or a job in a few years, it is a sign that you have done a good job parenting your son and that things are going well developmentally. 

Teenagers do tend to be moody--it's partially due to the many changes, physical and psychological, that are going on inside of them during adolescence.  They often spend a lot of time alone, thinking and listening to music.  Also, the time they spend alone may also be spent I.M.'ing with friends, texting friends on cellphones, or surfing the internet.  So, alone isn't necessarily "alone" any more.

But, a teen who has lost interest in friends and activities outside the home may be a cause for concern.  A child who is withdrawn, who no longer cares about engaging with anyone, is at high risk.  This is a child who may be getting more deeply involved with drugs or alcohol, or who may be struggling with dangerously aggressive feelings (whether directed toward himself or others). 

Teenagers who have lost interest in activities are often depressed, and sometimes suicidal.  On rare occasions, they can even be homicidal.  All teenagers are impulsive, and can take action without warning.  If you are truly worried about your son's isolation and withdrawal, I would get him evaluated immediately.  Make an appointment with a psychologist or psychiatrist for a consultation.  If you fear it might be an emergency, take him to the nearest hospital emergency room for an immediate evaluation.  It's better to respond at too high a level than to risk missing dangerous behavior.  Make him go, even if he doesn't want to.  He will know that you are doing this from a loving place, even if it makes him very angry.

If you're not sure how he's doing, talk to his teachers or school guidance counselor to get a sense of what he's like at school.  Or, talk to your friends who have teenage sons to get a feeling for what's "normal" in fifteen year old boys.   Some high schools offer a series of talks for parents, often sponsored by the PTA, on topics relating to stress and depression in teens. 

Finally, talk to your son.  Tell him you are concerned about his desire to spend so much time alone.  Tell him that you would like to understand what's going on, and ask him if he can explain it to you.  Ask him if he is feeling particularly depressed or angry these days.  Ask him if he would like somebody outside the family to talk to--a therapist, pastor, or perhaps a mentor.  Ask him what you can do to help.  He may well have been waiting for the right moment to speak about what's on his mind.

Previous Weeks' Questions:

My son is really hyper but testing hasn't shown ADHD. The school did the testing but I'm assuming this isn't really adequate since it costs the school money. Would it be better that my husband and I pay a private tester?  He is 5 years old and also seems to have problems getting along with other children. The school always tells me that he's very "hands on" with other students.

Congratulations on dealing with your son's school problems so promptly!  That will really help him, since these are the kind of problems that you want to address when he is as young as possible before he learns bad habits or falls behind academically.

There are lots of reasons why your son could be so "hyper" and physical with other kids.  You're right that he needs a thorough evaluation in order to figure out what is going on.  The school's evaluation is only designed to explore his academic issues, but his problems could be neurological (like ADHD), could involve what are called executive skills (impulse control, planning abilities, things like that), could be emotional (such as anxiety or anger issues), could involve central processing problems (especially auditory), could reflect sensory integration issues, etc.  Of course, there could also be more than one source of his problems.

I think you and your husband are on the right track in thinking about hiring a private psychologist to do the evaluation.  You need somebody who can assess your son's learning needs, emotional needs, do a neuropsychological assessment, and check out language and processing problems.  You aren't likely to get all that from the school. 

Then you and the psychologist can work together to formulate a plan to help your son.  The psychologist can also help you explain your son's needs to his school and work on getting him an IEP (individualized educational plan, to provide remediation) or 504 accommodations (instructional modifications to help him understand better what is going on in the classroom, such as sitting at the front of the class) if it is needed.  If you get clearer on what is causing your son's behavior and what to do about it, I think things will start going better for him at school and at home.

Why do teenage girls like to be so mean? My daughter never used to be this way until she turned 12. How do I nip this in the bud?

I'm not sure if your daughter is acting meanly toward other kids (usually other girls) or toward you.  Both sets of behavior are common at this age. 

Many adolescent and pre-adolescent girls begin to talk back to their parents (especially their mothers) and to defy the rules.  It is part of their age-appropriate efforts to separate from their parents and become more independent.  I find that this kind of mouthy behavior is best handled with a mixture of humor and firm limit-setting.  For minor infractions, the situation can often be defused with a joke.  Just make sure that your daughter doesn't feel that you are laughing at her or that she is the butt of the joke.  So, a girl who is embarking on a rant about how her mother is totally wrong about something can sometimes be derailed if the mother says (in a smiling, playful way) something along the lines of "Oh yeah, I forgot that I don't know anything any more."

On the other hand, if your daughter is raising a real concern (for example, complaining that you don't respect her newfound interests) it's important to take this complaint seriously.  Don't turn it into a joke, or you will be confirming her suspicion.  Instead, calmly ask her to tell you more about what she means.  "What kind of things that I do make you feel this way?" 

You have every right, however, to insist that she talk to you calmly.  She can tell  you she is angry or resentful, but she can't scream at you.  That's where the limit-setting comes in.  If need be, ask her to go into her room to calm herself down, but reiterate that you want to understand what she is saying and that you will be happy to talk to her once she can bring up her concerns in a conversational tone of voice.

As girls (and boys) move toward adolescence, their peer group also becomes increasingly important to them.  In particular, they care a great deal about what their friends think of them.  For some girls, this takes the form of trying to surround themselves with admirers.  They try to boss these other girls around and tell them what to do.  This is sometimes referred to as "Queen Bee" behavior, and it can become quite catty or vicious.  In addition, they sometimes target other girls who are not part of their circle; they try to elevate themselves by ostracizing the outsider.  All of this behavior serves to boost the Queen Bee's shaky self-esteem.  For her followers, they hope to derive status from the Queen Bee by affiliating with her.

Girls that engage in this behavior typically lack self-confidence, although they mask it by acting rather brazen and grandiose.  My advice to you is to try to find activities that fit your daughter's skills and interests and that can become a healthy source of self-esteem.  Girls (or boys) that are involved in activities that deeply interest them and where they feel successful rarely get into these kind of groups.  The activity could be a sport (perhaps an individual sport at which your daughter could excel), theater, cheerleading, art, participation in some kind of a special science program, joining the school math team or chess club, a musical activity, etc.  The key is to talk it over with your daughter and help her to discover and pursue her interests in a serious, committed way.

Adolescence is the next step in your daughter's efforts to prepare herself for independent living.  It can be hard for parents to tolerate because teens can become quite aggressive and defiant, but also because it's hard for us to think about our children leaving home and not relying on us so much.  It can be especially difficult for us to handle if we had a rocky adolescence ourselves. If you feel that your daughter's behaviors are moving beyond what is typical for her age, or if you find yourself having a very difficult time tolerating or handling her efforts to separate, you may want to think about consulting with a therapist to get some counseling for your daughter or some parent coaching.